Surviving College: The Art of Saying No

January 31, 2012 by Leave a Comment

I would make for the most boring episode of Say Yes to the Dress ever.

One of the best things about college is that I’m always learning new things. In the past year or so, I’ve learned to use Photoshop really well,  learned more history about Greek life than is useful to anyone, learned names, learned to code, learned to identify a drunk person vs. a high person, how to use every type of fire extinguisher I could find on campus, how to fit 9 people in a 5-person car, how to talk someone out of  a suicide, how to get people to respond well to being handed a flyer, how  to fill out tax forms, how to use LinkedIn, how to take care of natural hair, how to respond to the creepy “I love black girls,” how to intimidate freshmen, how to write a hard-hitting news story, how to fill out a purchase order…

I could list thousands.

Point being: I know how to do a lot of stuff. But after years of accumulating skills, one skill I’m trying to develop still holds me back from living the life I want: The skill to say no.

I am notorious for it among  my friends and family. I am horrible at saying no to people. My parents ask me to man their store while I’m on my way out to see friends over break? “Sure!” An advisor asks me to create an ad campaign for a program, due in 2 days? “No sweat!” My boss asks if I’m free at 7am on a Sunday morning for a photographer to take shots of my room? “Got it!”

Some call it benevolence, some call it a guilt complex, but I call it a serious lack of spine, and it’s something I’ve been working for years to fix about myself.

This year I decided to set this problem as a concrete goal: I put it on my list of New Year’s resolutions, I read blogs and articles about it, I looked it up in self-help books,  and I meditated deeply on it, trying to get a grip on what felt like a legitimate phobia to me. Though I can’t say I’ve completely come to terms with it, I can say I’ve realized some things since New Years Day that are helping me deal with “the other N word.”

1. Sometimes people just don’t deserve a yes.

We’ve all had that encounter: It’s been a long week, you’re beyond exhausted, and all you have to look forward to is sitting in bed and watching that favorite rom-com, or having dinner with a friend. Lo and behold, someone is OUT TO FREAKIN’ GET YOU that night. They knock on your door, or call you minutes before they need you to this generally unreasonable task.

“Oh heyyyy,” they say, “I was meaning to ask you earlier to help me out with this simple, yet time-consuming task that I could’ve totally done myself but didn’t feel like doing”
There was a time in my life (read: a few months ago) when I would respond to this kind of assignment with something excessively chipper.

“I’m on it!” “Nooooo sweat, boss!” or “That’s no biggie, I got you!”  were some of my favorites, but inside I was  thinking

“I will never forget that you’ve done this to me. You are an enemy of serenity. I hate you.”

My new reality ditched the passive-aggressiveness and got real. If someone approaches me with an unreasonable request, they had better have a concrete contingency plan, because they are getting the big no. It’s not acceptable to bend my plans because of someone else’s disregard of their responsibilities.  Even in the case that I’m planning to go home and veg, I deserve respect of my time. Scratch that, in fact, ESPECIALLY when I plan to go home and veg, I deserve the time to do so. As I’ve emphasized in the past, Me Time is essential.

2. Too few No’s can hurt my credibility: The pushover effect.

In my group of friends, I am undoubtedly “the happy one.” I’m the one that encourages everyone to think positively, reminds everyone to speak respectfully in an argument, and the one everyone can depend on to go out of my way to help.
It’s 3am. You need a DD? I can be out of bed! Forgot your headphones at home and need a pair for class? Take mine! I don’t need music on my bus ride anyway! Can I lend you fifty bucks so you don’t max out your credit card on a present for your high-maintenence girlfriend? But OF COURSE!

All of that “Yes”ing starts to take a toll on your image. After awhile, people started seeing me as too willing to bend to other people’s requests. I went from being the one you could count on to get you out of a bind to the one you called upon whenever it was convenient. Not. Okay.

Being reliable is awesome. Being a lackey is not.

3. A positive answer doesn’t guarantee a positive result.

There’s this silly notion people often have that the whole world would be a happier place if everyone got what they wanted all the time. I almost wrote a sentence here but, instead, I’ll hit you with a list.

Hitler
White supremacists
The state of Arizona

Point being, not every “yes” is a good thing. Agreeing to someone’s request may feel like the nice thing to do– it may even be self-gratifying– but often times saying yes is in fact the wrong thing. All because it’s the affirmative, doesn’t mean it’s reaping progress.

4. There is nothing to be afraid of. I WILL survive the average “No.”

For a long time I was this “yes” saying fairy, sprinkling my friends, family, and colleagues with yes-lined happy-dust and floating around on a cloud of affirmatives. I felt like saying no would end my relationships with people and that severing connections with people would be the end of me.

This morbid paranoia didn’t go away through an epiphany of any sort, but is finally gone from my life. As I’ve grown to experience new things in college, I’ve realized that getting a no is really not a problem to most people. They generally give a nonchalant “Alright, that’s cool, thanks anyway.” and just move on with life. They ask the question, they get a no, and they keep on living. They survive the no and, more importantly, I survive it too.  Every single time.

(so far)

Filed Under: Blog, Featured, Relationships, Surviving College Tagged With: , , ,

Surviving College: 3 Essential Rules for Social Media

January 12, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Back in middle school, I had the hippest MySpace page a girl could have. Custom profile designs, cool pictures, animated gifs – the internet was my easel, and Myspace was the canvas for my angsty preteen thoughts. I couldn’t bare it all to my parents, teachers, or siblings, but my Myspace friends? They knew pretty much everything.

Like just about everyone else I know, however, I eventually outgrew MySpace and started using Facebook, the site that made social media the powerhouse it has become. With Facebook came a lot more features, visual simplicity, and eventually a much larger online community. I’m not sure if it was the realization that more people had access to my posts or just the fact that I grew out of my dramatic early-teen personality, but somewhere along the line I started to develop a filter. Now that I’m in college and starting to engage more with the general public on the internet, I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever be able to stop filtering.

Like many college students, I’ve been a member of multiple social networks. (In order of when I joined) I’ve had Myspace, SkyRock, WeeWorld, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Tumblr, Google+, Coursekit and I’m sure a few more. Unlike the average college student, though, I make major strides toward privacy on my social media accounts.

The fact of the matter is that, when it comes to the internet, our personal lives are anything but personal. Think about it — after you first strike up a conversation with a classmate, or you meet a cute guy on campus, what’s the next step? It used to be a “trade phone numbers and meet for coffee” game, but in this generation, the next step is to go creeper status on Facebook.

It’s one thing when peers try to dig up details online, but it’s a completely different ball game when social media becomes part of the image a recruiter or employer has of an individual. While “Jason, the kid who helped me with my chem lab” will likely go straight to Facebook and skip the Google search, many employers will scour the web for details they can’t get on a resume. Since by default most social media accounts show your postings in search engine results, all your Internet musings could be available to the hiring manager for that next job or internship.

Remember when Google+ first came out and people were actually excited about it? “Ooh,” said they, “ you can put your friends into different circles!” I was glad G+ had this feature, but for the most part unimpressed. Facebook has HAD that feature for years, but didn’t seem to execute or market it in a way that made people actually use it. I, however, had a Facebook Lists system from the day they announced it on their blog, which brings us to our first tip:

  1. Separation is key

    When it comes to social media, differentiating those who can see your entire virtual personality from those who can only see the facts is extremely important. For me, it’s all about putting people on Facebook lists as soon as I confirm their friend requests. There’s even the option to put people on a list before you’re actually friends. Just toggle the “Friend Request Sent” button, and select a list from the drop-down menu.Lists have been my saving grace on Facebook. In the last three or so years, people from different parts of my life, many of whom I would’ve never expected to find me online, have sent me Facebook requests. While I wanted to keep up with everyone, I was really worried about showing people from certain parts of my life the parts they were missing out on. My Sunday school supervisor didn’t need to see pics of me grossing my friends out by licking their faces, and my friends’ parents didn’t need to see all the off-color references in my “about me” section—especially the ones involving their children. The key has been keeping the inner circle in and the outer circle thinking they’re in. Now every parent, relative, resident, teacher, pledge, employer, and friend sees what I want him to see—no more and no less.Grouping connections is the biggest step in maintaining multiple social-media personalities, but it won’t work well unless you’re committed to maintenance. This brings us to our next tip:

  2. Think ready, aim, post– direct content to groups.

    Ass-kicking multi-faceted women like Zora readers have friends all over the place. I can’t tell you how often I post something on Facebook or Twitter and have someone from one group of friends give me praise, and another make fun of me for it. Gaining capital on social media sites is all about engaging large percentages of people who view your content. The more you specialize, the more engagement you’ll get . Becoming a social (media) butterfly is all about keeping the weird stuff away from the wrong people, and instead giving those people good impressions. It’s kind of like leaving a red herring in a mystery book. Every time I have to block a post for a group of people, I try to post something that will engage them soon after. It’s a great way to feel sly without stealing someone’s French fries or pirating music.Sometimes grouping, editing, and caution are just too much to handle for one social media account. In this case, we have one last tip:

  3. When all else fails, separate your accounts.

    While this is a last resort, it is sometimes the only way to preserve both sanity and reputation online. If there’s a high chance that an employer will check out your social media presence, for instance, keeping a separate professional account may behoove you. Just don’t forget to change the settings on your private account so you’re hidden from searches. Otherwise it will be pretty obvious that you have two accounts and someone might (rightly) think you’re hiding something.I recently had to employ tip 3 myself with my Twitter accounts. I intern with the social media manager at my university’s business school, and it’s important that I can engage with the school’s social media accounts, but my personal Twitter is nothing I want school officials reading (#describeyoursexlifewithamovietitle, anyone? Tweeting about college parties? Kanye West lyrics?), so I got Tweetdeck, and started using two separate twitter accounts. One is a locked account that can only be followed by request, and the other is completely public.If you don’t want to take the time to censor your internet persona, at least take this into account: the internet isn’t going away. The 2032 presidential hopefuls are probably somewhere on Facebook and/or Twitter right now. Some of them are saying great things and making themselves look respectable, and some of them are planting proverbial landmines for their future campaigns. Think about what you’re putting out there for the world to see. If you can’t stand by it, don’t let it be your statement to the public.

There is space on the internet for everything—including invective and off-color thoughts. With a little bit of time, and a trained clicking hand, we can all hang freely and without awkwardness on the wonderful web.

 

Follow Opeola’s Professional-Friendly Twitter

 

Filed Under: Blog, Featured, Lifestyle, Surviving College, UFl, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

Eat to Live: Food Heaven Made Easy

November 2, 2011 by Leave a Comment

For many, college is a time of extreme budgets and even extremer attempts at eating good and healthy while living on said budgets.  Or, if the extreme budget isn’t the issue, the lack of time to enjoy a good and healthy meal forces late night pit stops to your favorite chinese joint on the block.

We’ve all been there.

But out of all the many warnings that our parents, friends, older siblings, and mentors give about college life, the conversation about food can be the least inspiring. It’s as if we’re destined for  ramen and kool-aid for 4 years.

Luckily, there are sistah soldiers dedicated to expanding our recipe books while engaging with the complexity of food politics. Through exciting monthly cooking series called Food Heaven Made Easy with Wendy &Jess, nutrition educators Wendy Lopez and Jessica Jones, work to keep the pizazz in our meals and challenge a system that continues to marginlaize communities of color. As educators, they aim to teach the power of sustainable food choices and relationship between those choices and the overall health of our spirits, minds, and bodies.

Pumpkin spiced soup and yucca mash with sauteed portabella mushrooms are offered as tasty solutions to any budget conscious co-ed. And the garlic and white wine tofu pasta is amazing!

If you’re a resident of The Borough also known as Brooklyn, you can catch Wendy & Jess on Brooklyn Community Access Television. Elsewhere, visit their site Food Heaven Made Easy for more delicious dishes!

Bon Apetite!

Filed Under: Blog, Culture, Featured, Surviving College

Surviving College: The elusive Me Time

October 27, 2011 by Leave a Comment

It’s the middle of the day. I don’t have any homework to do. I don’t have any RA programs to plan. I’ve refreshed Gmail and my school email site at least three times each. I’m wearing a college sweatshirt. No Pants. What am I supposed to be doing?  I look behind me and to both sides to check for hidden cameras planted in my room. There are none.  I grab my laptop, open to Google Reader and sit down. The crowd goes WILD! Ladies… It’s Me Time!

About a year ago, when I first started college, I went through a restless phase. I was in a new environment, surrounded by people I didn’t yet know, and removed from the active campus involvement I was used to in high school. I read the daily campus activities e-mail religiously, my hair always looked perfect, and my side of my room was so clean it was legitimately creepy to walk into it.

I should’ve held on to that life.

These days I’m the RA to a co-ed floor of honors freshmen, on the executive board of two organizations, an associate justice of the Student Honor Court,  trying to get a summer internship, and taking classes (almost forgot that one… whoops.) My calendar looks like a sea of text, I’ve perfected my cross-campus speed walk, and  I avoid the campus activities e-mail like the plague. I really don’t need any more to do.

Cue Me Time.

This past weekend, for the first time since the start of the semester, I was completely free.  I spent the week staring at the empty spaces in my online calendar, wondering what would jump out and fill them, but as Friday approached and they remained empty, twas I jumping. For joy. For Me Time.

When life gets really busy for a long time, it’s easy to forget what Me Time feels like, but it’s important to practice Me Time-ing lest one forgets the skill!

The Me Time Litmus Test

  • Do I have any meetings or appointments today?
  • Does anyone specifically know my plans for today?
  • Have i been sleeping adequately lately?
  • Do I feel compelled to wear pants right now?

If that series of questions elicited a whimper of some sort, you should probably check out your schedule, and try for some Me Time.

For people like me who enjoy the satisfaction that comes with being productive, I’ve found that the best way to stick to a regimen of relaxation is to cripple your productive self.

Example: During Me Time, I will do a load of laundry that is crucial to my public presence. I can’t leave the area if I’m not wearing a bra and underwear, so if ALL my delicates are in the wash, I’m stuck.

One of the best things about Me Time is that it allows you to escape judgement. You can put on old school Busta Rhymes and mumble along, all the while motioning like a DJ, you can read and watch literary and cinematic nonsense (Twilight series and Talledega Nights on deck!), and you can be in whatever state of dress (or undress) you enjoy. For me, I know Me Time is about to go down when I’m in my skivvies and have neither desire nor obligation to put on any more clothing or I’m wearing “those” clothes. You know the ones. Had ‘em for years, would never let the world see me in them,  tell my friends I’m keeping them “for sentimental value,” but, damn, they’re comfortable.

Watching movies, eating, sleeping, and sitting around are great ways to spend Me Time, but don’t fall into the danger zone and make Me Time unproductive; that’s not the point! Go into Me Time, remembering that the goal is to feel relaxed both during and after. You don’t want to take Me Time and feel even more burdened afterward, so it’s okay to do work during it. Just make sure you’re doing it at a leisurely pace, taking breaks when you need them, and feeling good about it.

Perhaps the most difficult hurdle to hop during Me Time is the idea that other people need to reach you. You don’t want to come back from Me Time with a friendship to mend or a career to save, so consider these people. If you find yourself spontaneously dropped into Me Time, be sure to keep your cell phone, laptop, and other communication devices within reach and don’t slack on sending replies. If you see Me Time before it hits you, though, you’re staring opportunity in the face. Tell your friends you’re hanging out with other friends, tell your parents you’re in the throes of academia, and tell your significant other you’re going shopping for feminine products.

Get everyone who’s on your back – or has always got your back- off your back.

Just do you. It’s Me Time!

Filed Under: Blog, Featured, Surviving College, UFl Tagged With: , , ,